Worry

This is the final week before the tax deadline. There has been a whole pile of people who are contacting me in a panic this week. People who have been worrying about the outcome, procrastinating getting their things together, and worrying about doing it wrong. All of them are giving themselves a really hard time about not having it done before now.

It’s interesting to me because worry used to be my forte. I am a fifth generation worrier and money is a great thing to worry about. While worrying about something may feel like you are doing something productive, I can tell you it is the opposite. Not only are you not doing the thing that needs to be done, you are also causing your body stress, condemning yourself over what you aren’t doing (and therefore negatively shaping your self concept), and if you’re really good at it, you likely aren’t sleeping a whole lot. None of those things are helpful to anything and long term they can be physically damaging, causing things like digestion issues, and high blood pressure. Then there’s also the fact that if you’re worrying you aren’t having a whole lot of fun. The two are mutually exclusive. Having something that isn’t done or having a big challenge, doesn’t mean that you have to condemn yourself to misery over it, which is exactly what you are doing with worry.

I don’t know about you, but worrying and making myself feel like crap doesn’t exactly make me into a productive person who can solve problems. In fact, when I get on a good roll of worrying, I pretty well just want to crawl in bed and stay there. The good news is that worrying is just a habit and habits can be changed. The other really good thing is that you can practice cutting the worry and being easier on yourself no matter what the dollars are or what you’re doing or not doing.

The first step to is actively and consistently decide to be really kind to yourself. I’ve been sick and unable to work for half of this week (at about the worst time of year for a tax preparer to be sick.) By day three I had a good roll of worry going about the work piling up on my desk. Then one morning I decided that I couldn’t keep going down that rabbit hole with myself and I made a change. I must have repeated the phrase ‘I’m going to be really kind to myself today’ about 100 times that day. After a couple dozen times, I started to feel like actually being nicer to myself. I cooked myself a proper breakfast for the first time that week and made a cup of tea and decided that I would let myself off the hook for not doing any work that day. I booked a doctors appointment and gave myself permission to lie back and do nothing. Doing nothing was about all I could do with a chest infection anyway, but at least I stopped making myself feel like dirt over it.

Now relaxing is not something I’m good at, at least not without my old friend guilt. So I kept repeating my phrase every time I’d catch myself with worry. After relaxing for a while and a little nap, I got up and showered and that made me feel even better. Once I was feeling better I went and did an hours work and that helped ease much more of the worry.

To be clear, your procrastination doesn’t need a reason for you to be kind to yourself. No matter what you’re procrastinating or why, being kind to yourself is a necessary step to letting go worry and getting back to doing the thing, in my opinion. I have never taken well to mean people telling me what I should do, even when it’s me. Kindness and understanding will take you a thousand times closer to being able to do the thing in question. Just imagine that an outside person was telling you how lazy you are, and stupid, and useless, and constantly pointing out that you’re not doing the thing that’s obviously the thing you need to do. You wouldn’t have it and you definitely wouldn’t feel too motivated to hop up and go do the thing. So be kind, be encouraging, and be gentle with your self talk. You’ll get so much further.

Quite a while ago I started using to-do lists to help break the cycle of worry. Night time was the worst, so I’d have a notebook by my bed that I’d dump out all the things I needed to do. Writing it down and acknowledging that it will be done later can really help stop the loops of thoughts about it. These were specific things, like booking appointments, or paying a bill. The daunting things, like pay off all debt or build a house, I let be free from my mind completely as best I could. I would remind myself that I am taking steps towards it and it will happen, then focused on the small, concrete steps instead. It’s practice, but it has transformed how I operate and how capable I feel. Feeling capable is what lets me be productive instead of overwhelmed and stuck.

Speaking of stuck, I just want to say that it is completely ok to call in reinforcements. If you are overwhelmed by taxes, call someone who knows them well. If you are overwhelmed by your debt problem, there is so much information available and people to help. No one is judging you for not knowing (at least no one worth talking to is judging you). I once had a man come in on April 30th at 4:30 to get his taxes done, after three full months of torturing himself over not being able to sort it out. He had sheets and sheets of attempts that he couldn’t get to work out. He could have saved himself (and his wife who had to live with him) months of agony by letting go the pride and just asking for help. Taxes can be pretty complex, there’s no shame in not knowing. Un-doing bad money habits and piles of debt can be equally daunting. It’s ok to ask for help. Trust me, I’ve seen enough people’s finances to know that not everyone has it together. You are not alone if you have issues. Not by a long shot.

If you’ve got some good money worry happening that’s leaving you stuck and overwhelmed, make yourself a to-do list, then lay it to a side until you have time and space to do it. The hardest part is to commit to being really kind to yourself above all else. I am willing to bet that you will be much more willing and able to tackle the list in no time. Do this enough times and you’ll start to find some real faith in yourself to do things that once seemed impossible. Worry will become less of a player in your life and that is some big freedom and some big empowerment. Empowerment is the state of mind that will get big shit done. Big worry will just leave you with an anxiety disorder and a belief that you are incapable. Empowerment is way better, and you can choose to practice it and create it.

Lots of love

Dawn