Blame

This topic has been on my mind for a while now. I’ve seen dozens of these little blurbs on facebook talking about ‘greedy landlords’ and the cost of housing now vs 40 years ago. One of them really struck me the other day as I got caught up in the comments below it. (Note to self: stay out of the comment section of complaints on facebook)

There was a guy who was blaming the government and the cost of housing for his poor financial state. In his comment there was a piece about him not getting child tax benefit. Now in my tax based mind I felt like that was something that could be easily fixed and would mean 800 ish dollars extra a month to fix his financial situation. So I offered my services to help him resolve that issue if he needed it. His response was that he didn’t have time to deal with it and used his kids as an excuse again. I’m not sure why I was so surprised, but I was.

I’ve done several coaching groups over the last year and I’ve started to shift my mindset from a place of blame to one of personal responsibility. At one time that would have felt completely normal to me to complain just for the sake of it, but now it really got on my nerves. It got me thinking about just how big a deal the subject of blame vs personal responsibility is and how it is at the root of all the big changes I’ve been able to make in my life.

When it comes to money or not achieving what we want to with it, there seems to be a huge tendency to blame something outside of us. We blame our parents for not teaching us better, we blame the cost of housing, we blame the government, we blame our spouse for not doing it with us, we blame our kids for sucking us dry, we blame our bosses for not paying us more, we blame our friends for choosing the expensive restaurant for girls night… and on and on it goes.

The problem with this focus is it is us giving away our own power to actually make a positive change. I can tell you right now there are so many people who started from worse than where you are and faced bigger hurdles and made it happen anyway. I want to encourage you to take a look at where you’re placing blame for your life and money not looking how you want it to look and start focusing on the parts that you can control.

After sitting at tables where people are doing the businesses, earning money doing what they love, travelling where they want, writing the books, doing what they set out to do, living without debt, etc. the conversation is massively different. The whole concept of blaming other people for not having/ doing what they want is pretty well non-existent. In these circles, the conversation is focused on personal responsibility.

What does personal responsibility sound like? It sounds like:

• My parents didn’t teach me well with money but I’m reading this book or hiring this advisor to figure it out.’
• The price of housing is really high, so I am going to build rather than buy. Or I am going to look at homes/ apartments that are smaller so I can reduce costs. Or I will take on a roommate to share rent.
• My kids are learning to spend from me. It is my responsibility to teach them the value of working for what they want. I don’t need to buy them every single thing they want for them to be happy.
• My job doesn’t pay as much as I like so I am going to ask for a raise. Or this company can’t pay my worth so I will look for other, more lucrative opportunities. Or I will work on my own skillset so that I am a more valuable employee.
• My girlfriends choose nights out that are out of my price range. I will talk to them about my financial goals and I will suggest fun alternatives that are in my price range because I value spending time with them.
• It is not the government’s job to fix my financial situation so I’m not going to waste my breath on that. The government does offer many grants, incentives, programs that may help me in what I want to accomplish. I will educate myself about those and be grateful that we have a government that has programs like social assistance, OAS and MCP. Also, I will vote and engage with the government in productive ways to make sure my voice is being heard instead of complaining to anyone I have a conversation with.
• It is having regular, respectful (read: not blame focused) conversations with my spouse about our plans and goals and finances. I will lead with my own example and work to inspire them instead of telling them all the ways they are doing it wrong. It could also mean restructuring the family finances to be more separate if there isn’t a consensus on goals and plans.

We tend to hold onto blame as a way of avoiding the personal responsibility part. It feels less challenging to say that it’s someone else’s fault and not do the hard work. It is also just plain rampant in our culture to blame and complain and ultimately not do a lot to fix the problem for ourselves. In the long run it does not feel good though, because it means you never get to what you want. I want you to have what you want that’s why I think this conversation about how you’re stopping yourself from getting it is so important.

We may also feel really vindicated in our blame and anger about how they are making it hard for us. I want you to really think about this because I’m pretty sure we’ve all done it in one way or another. Ultimately holding onto the blame only hurts you. You can blame your boss or the government, or whoever, all you want. You can think it, tell your friends, tell it to the person who’s excitedly asking you about that dream you told them about two years ago that you haven’t made any progress on.. it doesn’t matter. Holding onto the blame and not taking the responsibility to fix it for yourself only hurts you. It doesn’t hurt the person you are blaming.

I don’t want to minimize the struggle in facing some of these outside forces. I also don’t want you to give up on what you want because you feel like the power to achieve it is in someone else’s hands. Every single obstacle you face to accomplishing what you want, has a solution to it. If it’s truly important to you and you can lay down the blame long enough to look for a way, you can and will move past that obstacle. I am certain.

So I’d love for you to take a look at where you’re placing blame for not accomplishing what you want with your money. You may be 100% justified in feeling angry or frustrated with some outside force that is making it hard for you to reach the goal but there is nothing to be gained from droning on and on about it though. Feel it, then bring your focus to what is in your control and then get to work. That is where your power is! That is where the magic happens. You can have/ do/ be anything you want if you put your focus where it counts, which is your own thoughts and actions.

Lots of love

Dawn