Perceptions

I’ve been struggling with writing lately. As much as I love talking about money, I feel a little like I’m trying to portray a version of me where I always make great money choices and I make great money and hardly have any debt. It got me thinking today about how we view ourselves and the many views other people hold about us. Some people view me as amazing with money, completely bold and confident, inspiring even. Some people think I’m cheap, off in space optimistic, that I don’t have a clue about the ‘real world’.

My opinions of me are changing through a lot of focused effort and honestly sometimes it feels like they depend on the way the wind blows. Some days I look at my finances and I see that I have built a home for my kids and I, that I reduced my debt by an insane amount, that I am living in line with my values and goals, that I have made a great life with a little money, and I am just plain killing it. Days like today I just don’t see it that way. Days like today I look at my sweet boys’ wishlist for Christmas and the money in my bank account and I feel like I don’t have a clue what I’m doing with money at all and that I have no business writing about money in the least.

Perceptions are funny. Sometimes people’s perceptions of us matter. Most times they absolutely don’t but we give them all this weight in our lives. Our perceptions of ourselves is the most important and it needs the most work and attention. Every belief we hold about ourselves came from some instance or encounter in our lives. They were formed from things people said about us, experiences we’ve had, things other people have said and believed about themselves even. Most of it came from our childhoods before we ever had the awareness to consider that they could be untrue. If we don’t actively challenge the beliefs that we hold we will keep believing things about ourselves that are nowhere handy to the truth forever. In holding those beliefs we will go out and create a life in line with them that keep reinforcing the shitty beliefs.

The purpose of telling the crappy place I’m in today is to show the behind the scenes of how change happens, of what growth really looks like. Perception and who we believe we are has a massive impact on how we show up, how we feel, how we act and how we spend. When I feel like I am killing it with life and money I am confident, I do chase my goals, I do have lots of fun with no apologies, I naturally make good decisions for me. When I feel like I do right now I want to buy takeout, I want a bottle of wine, I want to go to the mall and buy all my babies’ wishlist items with a swipe of the credit card and maybe a treat for me too. I want to make this shitty feeling go away asap.

Growth and new ways of being don’t usually come from just knowing the right things to do. We really all know the right things to do with our money for the most part. Making the decisions to choose the better action is the hard part. Dealing with thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and habits is hard work. Real change can come when we take the time and space to challenge the shitty beliefs about ourselves and the shitty feelings and to deal with them first before going out and doing the things. This is how we change habits, this is how we do things we’ve never done, this is how we make better choices, this is how we kick ass. Sometimes I do this great. Sometimes not so much. Learning.

Today I’m not going to go shopping. Today I’m going to do some journaling about how I’m feeling and what’s under all this ugliness. I just took a nice long bath and already feel much better. I might write a list of all the ways I am doing great so I can shift my focus back there. I might delete the dating apps because the whole feeling like I’m on job interviews with people and worrying about what they think is wearing on me. I might ask a friend to hang out to give me some perspective on it all and get out of my head. When I’m done my pity party I’ll turn on some Lizzo and get back to feeling like the queen of my castle. Point is I will do what I need to do to get myself back to good before I decide how to proceed.

Our perceptions of ourselves are our choice. We can change our mind about how we view ourselves. We can shift how we feel. We can be wrong. The things we think about ourselves are rarely hard truths but more of opinions. We are allowed to change our mind and make a new opinion based on the evidence. There is no medal for modesty and self deprecation so you know. It’s not cocky to be proud of yourself. It’s not self absorbed to like who you are.

Just because I feel like a failure at the moment doesn’t make that true. Just because I feel like a rockstar sometimes doesn’t even necessarily make that true either. All the things people believe about me are nothing but opinions. Perceptions are highly subjective. We get to choose which way we see ourselves. I can tell you that having a positive view of yourself makes it infinitely easier to go out and make the right choices and show up how you want to show up. You won’t get to the places you want to go thinking about all the ways you suck. Henry Ford said that whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right. This is exactly how. If you believe you are the type of person who could go out and rock your money you would show up in a way that reflects that. Showing up in the ways a person who is rocking their finances will is what will give you the wins you are looking for with money.

You may even need to choose beliefs about yourself that you have zero proof to back up yet, knowing that because you believe it you will act in alignment with and create that truth. I believe even further in the power of the universe to magnify our efforts and beliefs to bring us what we want, but that’s a whole other conversation.

My cat believes he is a german shepherd and he shows up in life exactly as that. You know what? No one messes with him. Getting caught up in the truth of your current situation and how you’ve been in the past isn’t even always the most helpful in moving where you want to go. We are allowed to believe in ourselves, we are allowed to change, we are allowed to think we are kick ass human beings despite whatever proof we believe there to be otherwise.

Today I’d like to encourage you to think about the views you have of yourself, if they are serving you and if there are any better, more empowering beliefs they can be replaced with to get you where you want. I am going to go work on the same because there are obviously some shitty, old ones still kicking around in here that need the boot.

As for my babies’, their perceptions do matter to me. After all the work I have done on my beliefs about myself and money and where those come from, I am super conscious of the ways I talk about and engage with money with them. Does he really need to think that his wants are too much and that mommy is broke? Or do I need to teach him the value of money and responsibilities and priorities? I don’t have a great answer.

I honestly will probably buy the stuff and worry about it later because I really can’t stand the idea that his ten year old, not quite sure if Santa is even real, self feels any disappointment after the year he has punched. While I am hardly a keep up with the joneses type of person and I truly don’t care how my possessions measure up to anyone else’s, I feel I need to break my own rules on this one so he can have what his friends have. Reality will set in for him soon enough. Maybe with fresh eyes and a better state of mind I will feel differently, I don’t know. This is the value in doing the getting to good first before the choice.

As for what people think of me for writing a blog about money and getting out of debt while putting a toy on credit, I’ve decided it doesn’t matter and I already feel freer.

Lots of love

Dawn