Add Joy

This is the story of a girl who found herself in a life that she had made that had no space for her in it. Sound crazy? Or does it sound familiar? Have kids, get married, forget who you are, what you need, what you like, and what you want. What do I need want and like anyway? When was the last time I stopped to even consider any of that? I don’t have time to think about that stuff. I have work, supper to cook, hockey practice, homework, finances to manage, laundry to do, and on and on and on.

It can be overwhelming when your life gets so far off track. For women especially, it’s all very well intentioned. We think we can and should do all the things for all the people. The problem with that is while we can do a lot, it leaves us feeling unappreciated and bitter, our needs unmet, our time and energy gone, and ultimately there’s just no room for us.

It seems like a very obvious idea that we should get a say in how we spend our time and energy in this life. I get to choose work that I enjoy. I get to choose workplaces that value me and treat me well. I get to choose the relationships I take part in and how much I give inside them. I get to choose how I spend my time. I get to choose how I spend my money. I can prioritize my goals, fun and excitement. If you only knew how much I honestly believed that I was selfish for wanting those things for myself. That I was ungrateful for wanting more than I had. I felt like what people needed from me trumped what I needed for myself. It sounds crazy to write it now, but it is honestly how I felt, and absolutely how I acted. Those beliefs and actions led me to a very lack-luster, unfulfilled life.

Choosing to put me back on my priority list was absolutely life changing. I started with a summer softball league a couple hours a week, that’s it. Did my husband bitch and moan? Yes. Did I feel like a lousy mom sometimes for wanting time away from my kids? Yes. Was it hard to go and meet new people? Yes. Am I a great softball player? No.

The point is, it was time for me. It was great to meet new people once I got over the self-consciousness. It was amazing for me to get away from my kids for a little while and we appreciated each other more when we were together. My husband never got over his bitching and moaning about it. Turns out he only liked me when I was doing all the things for all the people, but that’s another thing altogether. I also still suck at softball, but that’s just fine. It’s not about the softball.

It was extremely valuable for me to make time for me. When softball ended for the year I joined a rec soccer league. I’m even worse at soccer than at softball, but I made some great new friends and had a great time. Eventually I did a photography course and found more and more time to work on that hobby.

No one was telling me to go look after myself. I had to make the choice to look after me. We’ve all heard the expression about pouring from an empty cup, but how many of us actually practice filling our own cups on a regular and consistent basis?

It’s about adding in more of the good stuff in life. It doesn’t have to start out huge. It can be waking up half hour before everyone else to have a coffee in quiet. It could be an evening walk for 20 minutes. It could be reading a book.

The amazing thing that happens when you choose yourself and choose your joy, is that there’s less time and energy for the things that detract from that joy. The other amazing thing that happened for me when I started to make myself and my fun a priority, is that my self-worth grew. I started to expect more from my husband. I started to not tolerate being taken advantage of in work and at home. I treated myself a little better. I made better choices for myself and my time. I actually set some goals for myself. I was a better mom because I was happier and less bitter.

This self-love journey has grown immensely, especially over the last two years, but it all started with making some time for me and for fun. Fun is not frivolous. Fun is not a waste of time. Fun is extremely, extremely important as it turns out.

This blog is a mix of personal development and money. Things I have learned from one area always trickle into the other, so it’s impossible for me to talk about one and not the other sometimes. If you’re thinking ‘what on earth does having fun have to do with money?’, well it has a lot do with it.

I also think that choosing to make some time and to use some money for the sole purpose of making yourself happy can be an amazing thing that leads to wealth in all kinds of unexpected ways. For me that fee for softball and a new glove gave me so much! It gave me relaxation. It gave me exercise. It gave me space from my family to realize who I was outside of them. It gave me new friendships. It gave me more confidence in making friends. More importantly, it gave me a sense that I was worth spending my own time on and money on. So was it worth the $100 I spent for the summer? Fuck yes!

I try to put all my purchases through the test of ‘does it add value to my life?’ That concept has been life-changing for me.

I will talk a lot more about all things personal growth and money, but for now I just want you to think about adding a little more joy and fun into your life, whether it costs anything or not. We only get so much time.

Dawn