Separating – The Money

I am working on a book about my experience with trying to get divorced. Last week I wrote this piece for that book, and I feel it is too important to keep it to myself until that book can be released. Please share this with anyone you know who is recently separated, or who is thinking about separating.

The very day after we separated, I started disentangling my finances from his. Partly because I couldn’t wait to cut financial ties to him. He had been messing up my attempts at having a healthy financial picture for a decade. I was really excited to have a fresh start without him interfering. It was also partly because I knew he was not at all above fucking me over financially. I have heard a lot of stories from a lot of women so I knew just the ways he was likely to do it. Some of the steps I took to cut those financial ties are:

• I took my name off our joint account and I opened myself a new one.
• I immediately washed my hands of all his business bookkeeping and personal income tax filing, which is something I usually would do for him.
• Changed all things I had set up to automatically go into and out of that old account, including CRA.
• Changed the passwords on all my accounts: credit cards, CRA, email, credit bureaus, Netflix, Rogers, everything.
• Ordered new credit cards so if he tried to use them to buy anything or use them for any purpose, it would be rejected.
• I had no car loan and my insurance, registration, etc. was already completely in my name and his vehicles were completely in his, so there was nothing for me to do in that department.
• We had separate cell phone accounts already. I made sure of this because I have heard many dozens of accounts of ex partners running up phone bills and sticking them with the bill, or refusing to return the phone that was legally the other person’s.
• I even went to the lumber store where we had an account from when we built our house and made sure that our joint account there was closed and that he couldn’t put anything on it.
• The mortgage was coming out of our joint account that he was keeping. Since the house was up for sale, it seemed like a waste to bother changing it. But I sent him my half for the mortgage payment, and took out his half of the light bill, house insurance, internet, and our son’s meds before sending it. I checked in online to make sure he made those payments, though.
• I continued to pay for internet, power, etc. as they were all in my name and I wanted to be sure they got paid.
• When it came to the mortgage and house bills that we were sharing, I kept detailed records of what he paid, what I paid, and the difference I sent him. I also made sure it was done via EMT, so there would be no way he could argue any of this later.
• I changed mailing addresses for credit cards and CRA to my mom’s address right away. I didn’t want my new credit cards or anything from CRA going where he could get it. Once the house sold, I had all our mail forwarded to my mom’s address. Anything of his, I sent it back with a ‘wrong address’ written on the envelope.
• I cancelled our shared life insurance policy and created a new one in just my name.
• I had him listed as beneficiary on one of my savings accounts, so I changed that.
• I let CRA know we were separated. I had to wait 90 days to do this part, but it went retro-active to the date we separated for child tax purposes.
• 6 months later I checked my credit report to make sure things were all looking good. I check it regularly too. He knows my SIN and date of birth. I will always keep an eye on my credit report to make sure nothing pops up there that shouldn’t.

In my experience, the sooner financial ties can be cut the better. Even in cases where there is no malicious intent, it still means there is no real freedom and independence. I’ve seen it happen where people still share mortgages or vehicle loans after the separation and it always leads to unnecessary contact, unwanted power dynamics and can easily turn to control issues. I didn’t want to have any of that.

I knew I couldn’t afford our house on my own. I told him he could keep it, but only if he could get approved for a mortgage on his own with enough funds to buy me out. Keeping both names on the mortgage post-separation was not an option I would even consider. He couldn’t get a mortgage on his own, so we sold it. He hated me for this. Blamed me completely for him losing the house that he built. He actually told the mortgage broker that he was unemployed (while he was self-employed) but that fact didn’t seem relevant to him. He thought he was being clever in trying to get out of support. It ended up back-firing, but I was blamed anyway. This was my first window into how things would go financially with him. Within six months of our separation, he went bankrupt (despite living with his parents, having no rent and paying no support.) That decision I made around the mortgage kept me from going down with him.

The division of the assets and debts was another important task. The timing of that conversation was everything! It was after things had cooled down from the big fight that ended things. It was right at the time in his routine where he was on his ‘anything you want dear’ story to make me forget what a shit thing he just did. This phase inevitably happened after every major shitty thing he did that I didn’t immediately forgive and forget. I’m sure him being denied for the mortgage played into his agreeability here too.

I was well prepared for this conversation and the first day he showed up with a calm and civil energy, I got down to business. I had a list of all the things we owned and all the things we owed ready to go. Whatever he wanted to keep, I said yes to it. We put a rough estimate to the value of each thing. Some were lower than the true value, but I didn’t push too much on any of that for the sake of keeping the conversation moving in a positive direction. He kept the debts that were in his name and his savings. I kept the debt that was in my name and my savings. We tallied up the net value for each person and then divided the difference. The conversation was completely civil and I got it in writing and signed by him. I’m certain it’s only because he thought that by being accommodating to this, he would sucker me into changing my mind on the separation and he could keep on living in our house. Whatever the reason, I say a prayer of gratitude every day for how well that conversation went.

The b’ys were in his ear early with their input on everything. I’m sure that played into his decision to lie to the mortgage broker about his income. I’m also sure that played into his very generous offer of $100 a month for child support that I declined. His response was ‘Sure kids don’t cost that much b’y.’ Once he started dating someone new and the house closed, there was absolutely no productive conversations about anything after. My only regret was not also having the parenting arrangement on paper and signed that day too. That one move could have saved me tens of thousands and saved the kids and I a whole lot of damage.

Legally, all assets and debts are to be split 50/50, but that has nothing to do with the credit bureau who is still tracking payments or missed payments on anything in my name. It sounds silly to say, but I am actually really grateful to my brother for screwing me over years ago when I co-signed on a loan for him. I probably wouldn’t have been so adamant about not signing my name on any debt that wasn’t mine and that I didn’t know for certain I could pay on my own. That hard line affected many decisions throughout our marriage and it saved me in this divorce. When Nick wanted to buy new, expensive toys on credit, I refused to sign my name to any of them. We also didn’t have any joint credit cards. He had his and I had mine. We didn’t even share a cell phone plan. This was on purpose. I looked after making sure they were all paid while we were together, but it made it infinitely easier to wash my hands of them when we split.

Of course, there are many ways to screw up a credit score and it wasn’t all just to make splitting finances easier in the event we separated. Making payments on time is a big factor to credit scores. He wasn’t capable of paying the bills in any sort of reliable way. When I met him everything he had was in collections. I took responsibility for paying all our bills originally to make sure we could get a mortgage together and get out of his parents’ basement. I worked just as hard at his credit score as I did mine. He couldn’t get a cell phone in his own name when I met him. Four years later we were approved for a $350k mortgage. Part of this was my commitment to making sure that minimums were always paid, even when it meant shuffling money from one card to another and paying extra in interest and transfer fees to do it. Having a great credit score was always on my mind. It was only towards the end that I realized how important that was in being able to take care of myself when it was time to leave.

I also had a lot of credit in my name. My credit card companies would often reach out to me with credit limit increases. I took every one. Access to credit is how I have been able to pay a good lawyer to get custody looked after. I hate to think what things would look like had I had to go the legal aid route for all of this.

Prioritizing my credit and protecting myself from him were so important. My getting a mortgage to build was completely reliant on this. I didn’t have a great income. The only reason I was approved on my own was that I had money for a downpayment and I had sparkling credit. If I didn’t take all the precautions I did, he easily could have tanked my credit score and then I wouldn’t have the foundation I needed for my financial picture going forward. Given the rental shortage that is going on and the prices for rentals, not being able to build would have been disastrous for me. If my credit score weren’t as high even, it would have meant a higher mortgage interest rate and higher monthly payments, which given all that has gone down, I simply could not afford.

I did a really thorough job in securing my information and protecting my credit. There was one thing I didn’t think about though and that was enhanced security at CRA. Part of the legal progressions meant I had to send his lawyer my income tax returns. Usually these are where CRA agents pull security questions from when a person calls in. Nick was convinced that I had been in receipt of CERB benefits while I was working (I wasn’t. He was. The irony.) He had someone call CRA and impersonate me to get the slips mailed out. He didn’t realize that I had my mail changed already though, so they went to my mom’s address. It is possible that he could have done much worse than he did. He could have changed my banking information or made other changes that could have hurt me. I was registered for email notifications, so I would have known right away for most things, but the risk was still there. I have since added a PIN to my CRA account for extra security. I also reviewed my account and deleted some authorized representatives that no longer needed to be there so he couldn’t use someone else to access my information.

I can’t tell you how many women I’ve met who have had their credit completely trashed by ex-partners or who wound up holding the bag for their ex’s debts. The amount of intentional and malicious financial harm I have seen done to women directly after a break-up would make you sick. It is pure abuse.

I really hate when I hear financial advice for couples that tout sharing everything as the gold standard. Sharing debts, or sharing accounts creates such a vulnerability for women who are living with or trying to leave a narcissist. I am eternally grateful for all I know about credit and finances so that I could make it impossible for him to harm me in those ways. If I didn’t work in the field I do or have heard the stories I have, I probably wouldn’t have bothered to take those precautions with such urgency or to make the decisions I did all along around shared credit. If I didn’t, I most certainly wouldn’t be living in this house with the security I have now.