I have talked to four different women this week who either wanted to start a business but couldn’t start, or who had started but were struggling with the actions of putting their work out and there and pricing themselves properly. I also had a few chats with myself this week on exactly the same thing. I have been doing this self-employed thing for a while now, but I still have humps around saying what I charge and about putting it out there about what I do and why I’m good at it. What I realized this week is just how much better I have gotten at those things and it really put me in appreciation of the mindset work and the regular practices I do to help myself along. I thought I’d share some here for all those wanting to try self-employment or to step a little more powerfully into it if you already are. I also use these practices in relationships, parenting, fitness, writing, and a million other things, so even if you aren’t interested in self-employment, you still may find some value.
Knowing what to do doesn’t always translate into doing what needs doing. I know I need to show up on social media and tell people what I do. I also regularly feel intense resistance to doing that thing. It isn’t nearly what it used to be, but it is still there. The first thing is to acknowledge that if you are struggling to do something that you can easily do and you know you should do, it is an emotional/ mental issue. You are not bad at business, you are not a lazy procrastinator, you are not incapable. There is some deeper emotional and mental stuff going on. It is also important to know that it is completely normal and expected that you would. Our brains are wired for safety not happiness. Making big changes in how you earn is a sure way to kick your brain into survival mode and have it causing all kinds of drama to put things back to status quo. Big changes of any kind will do this, let alone throwing in the fact that our ability to eat and keep a roof over our heads is on the line, so expect kick back. The ‘self-sabotage’ thing you are doing or not doing, it is your brain trying to keep you safe. You aren’t a masochist. If you can acknowledge what is happening and why, it gives all sorts of room for self-compassion and those awful self-defeating thoughts already start to soften.
it’s funny to think about just how badly I freaked out when I first started doing the tax work on my own. Funny now, I should say. It was not funny then. I was completely immobilized by self-defeating thoughts and I spent a large part of my days beating up on myself for not doing the simple things I knew I had to do and was very capable of doing. I have a business diploma and had been doing the exact same work for seven years prior. As part of my job, I regularly gave people advice on their businesses even. I know how to run a business and I know I’m good at the tax work. I had a grant that provided me with enough money to live on while I started. The only real investment of cost was the software, I had everything else. There was next to no risk and all sorts of reward and I still had myself convinced that I could not do this. Our brains can do some powerful things to try and keep us safe. So if you are in this boat right now, cut yourself some slack. You are right on schedule. The only thing your freak out or inaction means is that you are trying something new and your survival brain has kicked in. All the thoughts and feelings it is conjuring up is your brain trying to keep you safe by keeping things predictable. Nothing more.
All that may be fine, but how do you actually move from that fearful, self-deprecating state to confident and able to take action? Here are the things I did and regularly do to get there.
- Deep breathing. This might sound a little too simple to be effective but it helps immensely. Take a couple minutes, close your eyes and purposely breathe deep and let your body relax. Relaxing the body helps relax the mind. A relaxed mind is able to process emotions and think more clearly. I put my hand on my heart (Spiritually, it helps open the heart chakra and bring you into your body. Biologically, it helps activate the vagus nerve and starts self-regulation. However you want to look at it, it helps). Focus on your breathe going in and out and the feelings in your body. Then make some focused effort to release tension in your shoulders, in your hands, in your face, etc. until you are feeling nice and relaxed. If you are new to this or if the feelings are really big, you may want to throw on some calming music or hop in the bath to help you along. This whole practice lets your brain know that you are safe. Even mentally chanting the phrase, I am safe, can help. This couple minute practice alone can be enough sometimes to slow the self-defeating crap in our heads and let us move. It is also just really good for stress levels and overall health. It is a great practice.
- If it’s a really out-sized fear or reaction, and you really want to get to the heart of what is driving the big emotions, you can go for an inner child meditation. There are lots of these on youtube. I have done so many now that I can do them without the guided meditation or even music. They have been invaluable in easing fears and taking new actions in every area of my life. Even in the state I was in, I knew that logically there was no reason for me to be so averse to business. Inner child meditations gave me a whole new insight on why I was so panicked. One in particular brought me back to a time when I was a young girl about 5 or 6. My dad was self-employed and the business went under. We sold our home then and my mom went back to work. Some pretty significant security affecting events for a child. Now, whether the business caused the other two events, I don’t know and it really doesn’t matter. I wasn’t privy to the reasons of the business failings either. The full truth of the event isn’t what is important in these, it is how I perceived it, how it felt and what I made it mean. Those are the things that are impacting my current feelings and actions. With that understanding, I could really see why I was having such a hard time and again, found a deeper level of compassion for myself. It helped me to stop doing a whole lot of the beating up on myself that I was doing and eased the heavy emotions so I could take some actions I knew were helpful.
- Another way to tap into those driving forces is to write. Writing out the fears that are swirling in your brain is another way to tap into the subconscious thoughts that are underlying your feelings and actions. I love writing for moving blocks. If you can let yourself write freely whatever comes to you without judging it or overthinking it, you will find clarity. Some of the things you find on your page when you are done are valid concerns and you can then make plans to lessen the impact. Some are just crap that is coming from all sorts of past experiences. Putting them to paper lets you decide which camp they fall into and what you are going to do about them. Not everything we think is true, not by a long shot. Putting them down in black and white can give a whole lot of perspective on what is going on in our brains.
- These are incredibly powerful ways to pull yourself out of self-sabotage and into positive action. It’s also ok to call in reinforcements sometimes. It is so helpful to have supportive friends who can remind you that you are capable and good at what you do. I am beyond grateful for the patient women who listened to me prattle on about all the reasons I couldn’t do business and then lovingly told me I was full of shit. Find yourself some friends like that. I found most all of these women inside group coaching programs. It is incredibly important to have people in your life who are also stretching and growing and know what real blocks come up. If I had taken those fears to a lot of people, they would have told me more of their fears and convinced me not to take the risk. Choose your circle wisely and buy your way into groups of people who are doing the damn thing if you need to.
These are some of the powerful practices I use to get myself from inaction to action and from insecurity to confidence. Once I get to that good feeling, confident place, I ride that sucker out! I do as much work as I can do while I’m in that headspace. I let go the idea that I need to have set hours each day to work. I let go the pressure I put on myself to always be on. I give myself more and more grace to not be in a great headspace all the time and to take rest and do the things that help restore my good feelings. Doing that gives me more steam for when I’m in a great headspace and I have quadrupled my efficiency and productivity in the process. By making my schedule work around me, I have been able to work less and accomplish more and I’m a whole lot easier on myself for it all. I also want to say that tackling the hardest thing off the hop may not be a great idea. I know some people work on the ‘swallow the frog’ mindset and that works for them. That’s great. I like to build some speed for myself by doing easier tasks first and building some faith in myself to get shit done.
Keep note of the tasks/ thoughts/ people that kick you out of your confident, rockstar mindset too. Lots of people get kicked out of their flow headspace when it comes to financial matters, technical matters or advertising. If it is a genuine lack of knowledge or ability that is causing the mental spiral, hire out! You don’t need to be great at every aspect off the hop. Get help if you need it. If comparing yourself to people who are further along than you is causing the spiral, unfollow for a while or find some other way to cut that out. Sometimes it’s a time of day thing, or time of month thing. Women, especially, have times that are more productive and times that are less productive. You don’t need to beat yourself up for that. I know that I work best in the morning and at night. Late afternoon, I just want to nap, and once the kids get out of school, forget about it. Forcing myself to be productive when my body is not there is just setting myself up to fail. Yesterday I worked all morning, went for a picnic at the beach with a good friend, worked for an hour and then worked some last night after my son went to bed. Make your work schedule fit you, that is one of the perks of self-employment. The point is to notice when the shifts in mindset happen and then to work to be more pro-active about those things going forward. The tools above really help to get you out of a mental hole, but the best way is to not go down there in the first place.
Self-employment requires mental grit. I really thought it would be the same as working for an employer just with better hours but it is nothing close. It takes work to build faith in yourself, to build schedules and systems that work for you, to build networks of people who can help you, and so much more. Starting a business is one of the biggest ways to drive personal growth if you can lean in and do the mental work. Don’t take the fears and doubts as reasons that you can’t do it. Do the work to build faith in yourself that you can. I hope these practices can help with that.
Lots of love
Dawn
Tax Wise 