Excuses

There was a day last summer that I was at Holyrood Beach with the kids to see the humpback whale that was there feeding. I had my camera and big hopes of catching him popping out of the water, mouth open wide. While I sat there on the rock, my oldest starts to head on up the tracks too far from where we were. My youngest was climbing all over me, playing with my hair, hanging off my neck. Just as the whale pops out of the water, my youngest falls from behind me and I grab to keep him from smacking his head off the rocks. Poisoned.

Then I look over and see Ray Mackey, one of the most well-known, accomplished nature photographers in Newfoundland. He’s got his big fancy lens on, he’s alone and focused on the water and I’m sure he didn’t miss the shot like I did. Extra poisoned.

In my mind I start telling a story that goes something like this: Of course he’s a better photographer! He gets to go shoot in peace without worrying about whether two children are going to decide to run away or go swim with the whale or any other real concern I have when they are with me. He’s got better gear than me and he has all this damn free time to go around and find these whales where ever they are while I have to stick close to home cause my kids hate road trips.

Now, while all this is true, what that story did for me was to give me an excuse to not do the thing I wanted as well as I wanted to do it. I no longer pushed myself to get a great whale shot.. cause well Ray Mackey can do it way better and I have no hope of competing.

I held this story for quite a while too. I let myself off the hook for the results I didn’t get because I had all these reasons that made it harder for me to get a great shot.

Then I had a coaching session with a photography instructor. I told her my story at the beach. Then she told me a story of some killer fireworks. She told me how Ray Mackey was there early, scouted locations, planned his shot, then proceeded to knock it out of the park as he does. While he was doing all this for the shot, she was having a few drinks with her friends and watched the fireworks from the back yard where she was staying.

He planned and was well prepared for his shoots. He has worked to get the top gear. He has made focused time. He’s worked years on his composition skills and understanding of light. He deserves to get the shot. The end. No excuses, just working hard to get the shot.

It was in her story that I realized what I had made my encounter mean. Instead of taking it as an invite to step up, make kid free time to shoot, levelling up my skills, finding a way to get the money to invest in the right gear, etc. I took it as an excuse to play small.

It is absolutely harder to do with children on your hip and base level equipment. I was at a disadvantage that day. Staying at a disadvantage was my choice though.

He’s not naturally better than me. He worked hard on his craft, invested in his learning and equipment, he schedules time to shoot. He plans for success. He did what was needed to up-level and I can also do that if I choose.

Excuses are tricky. If I wasn’t challenged the way I was, I would have kept that shitty story. We need people in our lives who will challenge us on our bs. Ask a trusted friend for honest feedback on why you’re not achieving something, ie. what your excuse is and be willing to listen. If you don’t have friends and family to do this for you, I suggest finding yourself a mentor or coach in the area you want to improve on. Someone who’s job is to push for you to grow, not who is worried about keeping you comfortable. Getting rid of excuses is hugely uncomfortable, but necessary for big growth.

You may very well be disadvantaged and have legitimate reasons that are holding you back from achieving what you want. But there are ways to give yourself a fighting chance. Think of the physical things keeping you down. Money and time are big excuses for everyone, but I’m sure there are others if you dig deep. Then when you’ve identified the reasons you’re not seeing the progress you want, go ahead and make a plan to lessen their impact. Turning excuses into plans of action takes that victim hat and throws it in the trash.

A reason turns into an excuse when we act like our current circumstances are fixed. They are not. My legitimate limitations that day became excuses when I gave up my power to them, when I used them as a reason to not try, when I forgot that I have choices about them and therefore the ability to change them.

To take your power back from excuses we need to

a) accept where you are and what is affecting your ability to get where you want

b) ALSO accept that you have control over those things that are holding you back and therefore have the ability to work around or eliminate them.

It is absolutely real and valid that me having two children to keep safe and one who is hanging off my body is affecting my ability to take great pictures that day. I can sit and gripe about how hard it is to be a single mom and keep wearing that ugly victim hat. But my power is in realizing that I can change how one affects the other. I can schedule shooting when they aren’t with me. I can bring a friend to help me mind them and keep them from drowning. I can bring toys to keep them occupied and not on my lap.

It is also completely ok to say that I’m not willing to do some of the things required to get to the end goal. I can say that I am not willing to bust my butt to make the money required for the new zoomier zoom lens. It doesn’t mean enough to me to sacrifice the time and energy to make that money right yet and I have other priorities for my money right now. But I can find locations where the whales come closer so that I don’t need to zoom so much, working around it until I am in a space to dedicate myself to getting the lens I want. Either way, I’m going to make the best of the lens I have right now to take the best pictures possible.

I should be using Ray Mackey as an inspiration for how to go out and kill it instead of as a verification that I’m not as able. The one who’s winning should be your guide, not your reason to not try. Chances are they aren’t just lucky, they’ve most likely worked hard to get there. We should be curious about their how instead of intimidated by or dismissive of the fact that they’re doing it. There’s a lot to learn from the people who are doing what you want to be doing if you can get over your insecurities and excuses to look for it.

We keep these excuses a lot of times because they feel safe. Some of these have been in us for so long it’s uncomfortable to lay them down or we don’t even realize we have them. Excuses are contagious too. If everyone around you is in the same excuse state of mind it becomes more certain in our minds that it is true.

It can be scary to let them go. The fear of giving it your all and not succeeding and having no one to blame.. it’s intense. Having excuses to point to, people to blame is our brain’s way to ease the sting of not getting what we want. Irony is that keeping them hanging around and not going full out is exactly the reason you don’t succeed.

Another reason we sometimes keep our excuses is because it can be hard to let go the hurt that was done to us. We end up creating more turmoil in our own lives so we can feel vindicated in our hurt. The person who hurt you or left you with piles of extra responsibilities has power over you as long as you refuse to accept your current situation and your role in it and find your power to change it. You can hold onto that pain and blame someone or something else for all the crap in your life and you would be 100% vindicated and I’m sure encouraged in that thought. We all love having someone to blame for our crap. But at the end of the day it is just you and your choices that you can control. Holding onto what was done to you is not getting you any closer to the dreams you have for your life.

I spent many years after a car accident in that victim state of mind. I couldn’t work a full work week on a computer without massive pain. I felt I couldn’t make a great living because of the injury. I blamed the person who struck me, I blamed my lawyer for doing a shitty job and not getting me more of a settlement, I blamed my employers for not being more considerate and accommodating. I lived with heaps of pain, a feeling of having no hope for better, and a grudge against the world. I held that one for a long damn time. It is true that that car accident severely affected how I can work and earn a living, but there are so many other ways to work and earn. There are exercises and ergonomic set ups that help too. I have control over lots of pieces of that. I held that hurt and victim card for such a long time and ultimately I was hurting myself way beyond the hurt done to me.

It’s so funny to me just how different people can react to illness for example. I have seen people with a cancer diagnosis go out and raise thousands towards a cure, put their health and families first, completely take the reigns in their life and work hard on every piece that they have any control over. I have also seen people crawl in a hole and stay there, giving up on all hope of any type of meaningful life. The illness isn’t the determinant in outcome here. The power given to it and how the person chooses to accept it and find the places they do have control and focusing there is what determines your quality of life.

This topic applies to everything! Whether it’s money, photography, healthy eating, habit building, or some huge goal.. it doesn’t matter. We all have reasons we aren’t where we want to be. The key is having enough awareness and willingness to see when reasons turn to excuses to not really change or try. We have control of way more in our lives than we believe we do and we give way too much weight to the things that have happened to us too.

Wrapping your mind around that is both empowering and terrifying all at once. Accepting that you are the one making your life is hard when it isn’t how you want it to be. Shit gets real when you accept it’s just you determining your results, but that is exactly where all your power lies. I love to see people living in their power, so lets work on dropping some of these excuses that are holding us down. It’s hard and uncomfortable, but so worth it!

Lots of love

Dawn