I have a bad habit of forgoing the things that I want and need for the wants and needs of other people. You can call it martyrdom, mom guilt, being a ‘good woman’, a ‘good mom’, the technical term is codependency. Whatever you call it, I have done it a lot in my life and it went to a new level of bad after having kids.
This idea of giving up of ourselves to make other people happy is rampant in women and it gets brought to a new level when you throw kids in the mix. We have been conditioned for so long that this is what it means to be a good woman and a good mother. I’m here to tell you it doesn’t make you a good anything, it makes you empty and probably pissed off and bitter too.
Just this morning, for example, I was thinking about how great it was that I found an amazing counselor for my kids. They’ve been through a lot with moving, leaving friends behind, our divorce and all the things and I finally have permission and have found someone great that they’ve seen twice now. I am over the moon happy about this, its been too long coming. Downside to this is that it costs a lot of money. I know there are cheaper options (we’ve been on the waitlist for the Janeway for well over a year now), but they just aren’t good options for what they need now. Plus, this guy is amazing.
My thoughts this morning immediately went to how I should skip out on joining kickboxing again like I had planned to do tonight. Then I caught myself in this thought.. wait now. That’s not how I do things now. What I need is important too and I don’t cut those things out. I have been three years working on putting my needs as a priority and it still was an automatic thought for me to go and cancel this thing that is amazing for my mental and physical health. If you’re thinking that that’s what good mom’s do, sacrifice anything for their kids, (I did and I’ve seen it in play thousands of times with my friends, my family, etc.) keep reading.
My new way of keeping my needs high priority requires a new way of thinking and behaving. Instead of automatically going to cutting mine to keep theirs, now I look at the big picture of my finances. There are other places I can cut some corners in spending. I’ve been spending more on clothes and toys and things lately and I can cut that down. The biggest one that we often overlook is to make more money. Both those items are extremely important. Mine doesn’t need to be sacrificed for theirs to exist. It is just as important that I look after me. Kickboxing relieves so much stress and frustration for me. I am a better person and a better mom for doing it.
So instead of jumping to ax my stuff, to be the good mom and sacrifice things that matter to me so that my kids can have a good life, I made a different choice. Both things are important so both things are going to stay. I sat down with my budget and made a plan. I cut a few things back some, took on a couple photoshoots and some bookkeeping to make up the difference. Everybody wins.
Yes there is a time that our kid’s needs do need to come first. There will be lots of times that we will sacrifice our sleep to help them when they’re sick for example. But I want you to think about how much of the sacrificing is actually necessary and how much is rooted in not valuing your own needs and wants enough to make sure they are met. You do not have to give up things that are important to you for your kids to have a good life. That is a bullshit lie that we’ve been fed for far too long.
We can change the definition of being a good mom. I now believe being a good mom means being a role model for how to know and take care of my own needs. We cannot teach our kids to look after themselves well if we don’t know how to look after ourselves well, it’s as simples as that. Lets raise them up to know their worth by also knowing our worth. One doesn’t diminish the other, it actually makes both grow.
Lots of love
Dawn
Tax Wise 