It’s a weighted topic and I think there’s a conversation that needs to be had about it desperately. In Newfoundland and Labrador over 2019 and 2020 only 44% of people required to pay support made those payments in full for 12 months of the year. So that’s 56% of people who are in receipt of child support who didn’t get their payments regularly as they should have.
Now, whether you believe that the way support payments are determined or calculated is fair, is irrelevant to this conversation. Those things are law and not up for debate here. This post is for the sole purpose of helping people who are in receipt of support to do it in an efficient, empowering way.
I will use gender in those post, because it is typically men paying women. In a 2014 article by CBC, it was noted that 97% of delinquent support payments were men. I don’t like to make gender assumptions, but it’s hard to deny that one. I am also completely aware that it does happen in reverse.
This isn’t all based on stats either. I’ve talked to a shocking amount of men who are proud of the fact that they don’t pay, and who do all kinds of shady, illegal, and even self-damaging things to get out of paying it. I don’t believe that all those who don’t regularly pay are that intentionally unlawful and bitter. But I’ve heard it from the mouths of no less than 100 men who are open about being intent on not paying support, regardless of what a legal agreement says. Many have bragged to me about quitting jobs, switching banks, committing tax evasion with self-employed income, going on income support, and so much else, to get away from it. I’m also currently walking exactly this road with my ex.
Not all people who miss support payments are deadbeats, of course. The reasons for these missed payments range from malicious means of manipulation and control, to legitimate financial stress and inability to pay for a while and everything in between. I’ve heard them all. The range of reasons why support isn’t being paid or paid consistently is huge, but it really isn’t even the point of this post.
This post is dedicated to how best to handle the lack of payments for the person who is supposed to receive them. While it isn’t right that they aren’t paying, we can also make that fact less or more damaging to us. We can shift the amount of mental and emotional energy spent dealing with the short payments too. This is how we take back control of the situation and stop giving them so much power to hurt us.
I’ve heard it from hundreds (yes hundreds) of women who are on the receiving end of all those unpaid support payments (intentional or not) and I see the ramifications. Hearing it from so many people over the years has really given me an awareness of what specific things can help mitigate the damage – both financially and mentally.
The truth is, as long as your financial and mental stability is dependent on something your ex does or doesn’t do, you are giving them power over your life and well-being, because you can’t control what they do. This is a really hard pill to swallow and it gets harder to swallow the more money there is involved. It’s easy to feel defeated and hopeless over this, but it isn’t hopeless. I promise.
I know firsthand just how hard it is to lay down the anger at the unfairness, so there really is no judgement in any of this, but it is important to know how we may be contributing to our own misery. If you are stuck waiting for your ex to get it together before you can be happy or before you can be financially well – you’re in trouble.
So if the way things have been going this far is not working, or if you’re still in the negotiation process of support, let me give you some do’s and don’ts regarding support payments to help move forward in a healthier, more empowered, way.
DO have your support payments in a legal agreement. Even if you don’t take the route of getting lawyers or going to court and you have mutually agreed on what the payments have been, it is worth the small fee to have it in a written agreement. You can see a mediator and have it drawn up and made enforceable by putting it in a legal agreement.
DO NOT take cash as payment. Have a paper trail for all payments.
DO take full advantage of support enforcement services. It is their job to collect funds from the ex and deposit them to you. This takes out all need for discussion between the two of you about money. You no longer are going to nag the ex to pay what is due. You no longer get involved in what their current financial situation is. The less communication you have over money the better. It is also a much more effective way to get the person to pay. Support enforcement can attach wages, tax refunds, etc. to make sure the person pays what is in the legal agreement and they will work as a mediator to negotiate smaller payments in times of distress for the person paying. Take full advantage of this service.
DO NOT ask for money outside of what is in the agreement. Don’t ask for a loan before the money is due. It is not their responsibility to bail you out of financial trouble. This is asking them to take your power. Cut the chord. Cut the dependency. Cut the parent-child type asking. It is not serving you in any way. Claim your independence and embrace it.
DO be realistic in your expectations. If they are always late with payments, especially if you know they are doing it to get to you, don’t plan your finances as if they will be on time. It amazes me how many intelligent women will make their plans as if their ex will pay on time, even with years of proof to the contrary.
DO build yourself a buffer so that what they do or don’t do, doesn’t have the power to crumble your finances and leave you scrambling to cope. Plan for the fact that they will be late. It takes work, but making a solid financial foundation for yourself that can’t be rocked by something like not getting a payment on time, will change your life.
DO cut communication with your ex as much as possible about finances. Solid communication about money is hard enough for most couples. When there’s a breakdown in the relationship there’s an extra level of emotion in there that makes it near impossible to have a productive conversation around it. Cutting communication around money is the only way to get off the merry-go-round you’ve been on and to have a chance at letting go the anger and frustration towards your ex. This will make your co-parenting task easier too.
DO try your best to detach emotion from the financial transaction. This one is hard. We tend to associate guilt, frustration, retribution, satisfaction, anger, bitterness, stress and all kinds of other things to the money. We take it as a personal attack when they are late paying. Even if that is the intention they have behind it, you don’t need to take that on. Follow your procedure with support enforcements and then let it go. When you have your cushion it doesn’t matter anyway. Hold them accountable, but don’t let it throw you into a state over it. Anger, frustration, resentment, old hurts, all that stuff is in your power to lay to rest and it starts by quitting it. When you can get this part down pat you’ve officially taken back your power from your ex around money. You win no matter what happens with the dollars. You get peace of mind and they can’t sway it with any pettiness.
DO hold them accountable. None of this is about not getting what you’re entitled to. It’s all about how you go about it. Lean on support enforcement to do the collecting. It is their strong suit. Get what’s owed, but do it in a way that will actually accomplish the goal.
DO NOT discuss child support in front of or with your children.
DO NOT make visitation with the kids dependent on the financial piece. Don’t attach a dollar sign to them or the relationship they have with their other parent. Whatever motive you may have for doing this doesn’t matter. Just don’t do it. It’s legally wrong, it’s morally wrong and it’s damaging to your kids.
This is a hard conversation. We may want to blame the other person. We may want them to just get it together. We might feel bad for their financial troubles. We might think that we can get a new outcome by doing the same old thing with them. This type of thinking and behaving will keep you from moving on and building a life you want after a separation. The truth is, if you’re waiting for someone to do something first before you can be happy, they control your happiness. We have the power to shift this.
Spending more time and energy building your own financial health, and less time focusing on what they’re doing, can completely turn this around and in much less time than you might assume. You are independent. You are capable of having a solid financial picture. You are capable of laying down the anger and bitterness and all those old feelings forever. You are in control of your money and your life. Don’t forget it.
Dawn
Tax Wise 